I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
