The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
