does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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