Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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