You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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