i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
