A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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