I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
