Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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