don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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