eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pants are for mortals
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
