I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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