new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just had sex on a roof
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
