Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
