if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
