my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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