Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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