I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
