Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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