I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize