If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
