I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
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she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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