Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
