I've blown a few things in my day
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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