i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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