Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what day is it and did you see me today?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
