Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
