I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......