The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
