i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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