I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
