cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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