I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
