just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
