a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
