I heard we made out
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
