The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
