so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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