dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
