A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
