i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
