True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
