if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
