im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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