if i can run in heels then i can drive
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
