Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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