96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
