Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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