All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
