Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
