Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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