I got chris browned last night
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
