I hate your face
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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