The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
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whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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