If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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