Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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