If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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