I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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